The Magic 8 Ball: Part 2

Elizabeth Seckman tagged me for this meme and I posted earlier this week and received some constructive criticism. I have made some changes and decided to post again to see how you all feel about my excerpt now.

Recap: The idea of The Magic 8 Ball (I'll need a little more information) Meme is for you get answers to questions you have about your w.i.p. that needs more than a magic 8 ball answer. This meme gives you the chance to ask others about some aspect of your work in progress that you're neverous about or struggling about. I'm posting an edited first paragraph to Nevermore, my Peter Pan meets zombies novella. It has a black Peter Pan, a Lost Boys with a girl in it, a 'special' Tinker Bell and a cocky teen Captain Hook. So here we go.

Peter Pan shot another zombie in the head. The handgun a simple extension of his hand. The uncoming groans signalled it was time to regroup. He zig zagged through the streets barking orders at his scattered crew.

Once his life was different. Born in Detroit, he was working class poor. His mother Ester Morris took care of them both. Murmured little protest when he dropped out of school at age twelve. Bought him a box of six frosted cupcakes for his fourteenth birhday with his name on them. He, his best friend Spike and a few other teens hung out and ate in the dingy corridor of the apartment complex.

It was the last normal day of his life.

Two years later he was still  living a different life. One in which his very life depended on killing zombies and finding safe places to hide. But his new group of friends helped shake the dreary monotony of fighting monsters all the time. Reminding him of what once was before zombies existed and what still mattered after.

Many would think that fighting monsters equaled fun. But it's never fun when the monsters tear the world apart. It's not fun when they take away your mother.

Critique time everyone. Let me know what you think of this excerpt. What's right about it, what's wrong. Tell me everything.

Now to remind everyone of the eight persons I tagged for this meme:

Jenny Morris

Alex J. Cavanaugh

Misha Gericke

Rachel Schieffelbein

Trisha

Lynn(e) Schmidt

Summer Ross

Stina Lindenblatt

Thank you for reading and please leave me your honest opinions on my Nevermore excerpt.